I sat down today with a mission. My mission was to write down my feelings and air some things out about my life and the observations I've made about the world around me. I didn't realize just how hard it would be until I started writing down the list of things I wanted to talk about. Some of them made me sad, some made me wistful, some made me giggle, but most of them just made me angry. It's the anger that I'm most concerned about, and probably the hardest thing to talk about.

You see, I'm overweight. Actually, according to the body mass index, I'm obese. I hate the word "obese". It just conjures up so many negative images in my mind, so many Dateline specials that talked about fat people and where their problems started. It makes me think about that one show on TLC, "My 600lb Life". I have never admitted this, but I feel a slight disgust when I see people who are obese, myself included. I look in the mirror and think "God, you're such a fat pig. What were you thinking getting this fat?? Do you know what it's done to your life? Nobody thinks you're pretty. Nobody wants to date you because you're so fat. You're never getting married, let alone having a relationship. You fucked up! Good luck trying to fix it. You're too addicted to food to fix this."

It seems like the world sees fat people the same way, at least that's what personal experience tells me. I've had people look at me with disdain and whisper comments that would make a normal person cry. I've met men online who, once they saw a photo of me, ran away screaming. I've been stuck in the friend zone for pretty much every moment of my life. I feel as if all men are shallow creatures who don't bother to go beyond the physical and see what's inside. I feel that the only way a fat person can ever be considered beautiful is if they lose weight and become one of the coveted "skinny girls".

I've tried, believe me I have. I've wanted to lose weight for so long, but food is always the enemy. I make horrible choices from the moment I wake up to the moment I fall asleep. There's no excuse for my behavior, it's become a part of who I am, just like art and weather. I tried in the past to make changes to my diet, I just can't seem to get away from the cravings I have for chocolate and cheeseburgers and chips and ice cream. It frustrates me to go through life unable to break this vicious cycle no matter how hard I try. Willpower seems to be my weak point. I feel like I should have more of it now that I've grown older, but it remains the problem.

Finding people who I can relate to is hard as well. I tend to gravitate towards skinny friends rather than fat friends because I really don't like being around "my kind". I feel that if I am around people like myself, we'll just get fatter together and never take back our lives. With skinny people, on the other hand, I find it easier to eat less around them because I feel as if they're constantly judging me, and that feeling usually translates into embarrassment and ultimately leads me to eat less around them just so I don't feel like they're thinking "Why is she eating more? She's fat enough already."

I think I've made it pretty obvious my mind is a very dangerous place. It doesn't help when you're surrounded by negativity on a daily basis. My own mother has belittled me for being overweight to the point where I'd cry at night wishing I could end it all. That led to all sorts of inner turmoil, up to the point where I found myself in the doctor's office having a panic attack and finally being diagnosed with depression.

*Sigh* Depression… What's there to say about it that hasn't already been said by almost every person on the planet. It's not fun, but the drugs do work and slowly but surely, you start to feel better, and bit by bit your life gets better. But you stumble and fall, find yourself in the dark place every so often, and have to go back and pick up the pieces yet again. I'm slowly finding my way out of this dark place, but there are so many things that seem to put me back in it. Everything that I've mentioned, it eats away at me like a disease that I can't control. It's a cancer in my mind, slowly killing whatever self respect I've ever had and replacing it with loathing and disdain for the person I've become. Nobody tells you this, but the drugs don't work in this situation. You're stuck in quicksand, and if you don't get out soon, you're doomed. The more you struggle to get out, the deeper you sink until you either finally give up or someone throws you a rope and pulls you up.

Considering I'm still here talking to you, it's safe to say I've hit the deepest depths of despair, nearly given up, but found a life jacket in the form of some incredible friends that I've made through the years. They've stuck around through some of the toughest times, pulling me up when I've fallen and couldn't get back up myself. They've seen me at my worst and told me that they loved me no matter what and that this would pass. They've done everything in their power to keep me from doing something I would regret. And now, they continue to try and help me as I doubt my ability to take control of my life and become the healthy, beautiful person I am on the inside. Their encouragement slowly chips away at my stubborn nature and reminds me that life is a gift and I shouldn't take it for granted.

I started off by saying it was my mission to air out my feelings today, and now that I have, the anger I was so concerned about has dissipated somewhat. There are still traces of it here and there, but for the most part, writing out my personal demons has been cathartic. You may not have liked some of the things I said, but as I mentioned, these were the demons that I have dealt with every single day of my life. Giving them voice today was my way of letting them go, little by little. If I've offended you, then let me leave you with the words of Stephen Fry: "It's now very common to hear people say 'I'm rather offended by that.' As if that gives them certain rights; it's actually nothing more… It's simply a whine. It's no more than a whine. 'I find that offensive.' It simply has no meaning, it has no purpose, it has no reason to be respected as a phrase. 'I'm offended by that.' We so fucking what?"